Within Takapipi: 2020

Mazmur 119: 66

Ajarkanlah kepadaku kebijaksanaan dan pengetahuan yang baik, sebab aku percaya kepada perintah-perintah-Mu.

It has been quite a long journey with my new family. Unlike any other moms who can pour out their hearts through social media, I can't. It's for privacy reason, safety reason. But surely being a wife, a mom, a daughter, I feel that I'm being pulled to many sides. Can I survive? My quick answer: NO.

During this quarantine, I find myself to stay at home ALL the time. And I am back to my old me (is it a right thing.. or a wrong thing?). I want to play piano. I want to do music stuffs. I miss being in a music group where I can understand the joke. I miss being stunned by what I hear... the rhythm pumping in my heart.. the harmony that I'm amazed at..

But no no, I have obligations. Taking care of my family. I need to serve and please everyone in the house. Not serving the family members well is a new sin now. I'm never enough to serve them.

What should I do? I find myself waking up at 3 AM in the morning. I open up my Bible. Psalm 119 is there to be read. What came to my mind was: "This is the longest verse of Psalm as far as I can remember. What is it about? I don't remember. Let's read it."

Mazmur 119: 26 Jalan-jalan hidupku telah aku ceritakan dan Engkau menjawab aku - ajarkanlah ketetapan-ketetapan-Mu kepadaku.

It's so true. It's almost every hour I'm thinking about my family.. What should I do to help my kids, my husband, my mom? I feel God answers me.. though slowly.. but answers are coming. But yes, I want to hear His voice more often, more clearly.

Mazmur 119: 28 Jiwaku menangis karena duka hati, teguhkanlah aku sesuai dengan firman-Mu.

Yes yes.. never being enough is such a strong feeling and I don't know how to cope with that. But reading this Psalm has already made me being understood. It seems that I'm not the only one, and God understands.

Mazmur 119: 45 Aku hendak hidup dalam kelegaan, sebab aku mencari titah-titah-Mu.

Mazmur 119: 59 Aku memikirkan jalan-jalan hidupku, dan melangkahkan kakiku menuju peringatan-peringatan-Mu.

These two verses are confirming what happens to me now.. I'm thinking about my life.. and I'm sort of confuse about what to do.. and I find myself not adequate. Then, this morning I just come to God since I am clueless.

Mazmur 119: 66 Ajarkanlah kepadaku kebijaksanaan dan pengetahuan yang baik, sebab aku percaya kepada perintah-perintah-Mu.

Many things to learn as a wife, a mom, and a daughter. Many things I don't know, I don't understand. Oh Lord, please teach me, teach me.. I need Your wisdom, I need Your understanding.. Give me the knowledge that I need to serve my family.

Mazmur 119: 73 Tangan-Mu telah menjadikan aku dan membentuk aku, berilah aku pengertian. supaya aku dapat belajar perintah-perintah-Mu.

So, here I am. Can't just run away and leave everything behind. So God, You created me. Please help me to understand You, to understand Your plan to my family.

Mazmur 119: 92-93 sekiranya Taurat-Mu tidak menjadi kegemaranku, maka aku telah binasa dalam sengsaraku. Untuk selama-lamanyaaku tidak melupakan titah-titah-Mu, sebaba dengan itu Engkau menghidupkan aku.

So true. If it's not because of reading these verses now, I don't think I can go back to sleep now. I feel lighter, I feel hope once again.

Good morning, friends. I'm going back to sleep. Thank You, Lord Jesus for Your Words.

Never fail. :)